Sure (in a sarcastic voice) at my feet, as if!

     Hey love, well I guess I wouldn't want you at my crusty toes or feet so why would I hope for that. Anyway, I was thinking of a love story...somewhat fairy tale story as I always get on to fantasying. It starts off with me feeling all dumpy again and overall broken hearted with having lost all sense of hope for love and well what comes with that. Although, some people might not look at love with a sense of wanting a family and being productive all day, which comes with the wealthy lifestyle my partner would have of course. Although, it really isn't about wealth but just' a good sense of business oriented that brings wealth by not really doing much for too many days out of the week, because...family should be important to the father as well as to the mother. 
     Family, comes to mind in a visual way because hugs and kisses are of the importance I believe to embrace the warmth it brings. Although, a family doesn't necessarily have to be one of the view. Justice is blind and yet she has a whole bar of family that seeks her for her wealth thru following the law. She probably doesn't know of it but it's a possibility. So, I understand that a family now does not have to be visual. However, I would like it to be. 
     So, we would live out in the country, because I believe raising kids in the country can teach them how to be discipline in doing chores on a daily basis. Why are chores important? Chores are important because they give the sense of consistency and are a way of developing discipline. Discipline is important once having a job and being able to perform, one's best! Being out in the greenery is also very relaxing and in the country one can breath a perfect kind of oxygen due to the many trees and plants that grow all around.
     Where was I going with this?_____? Anyway, I get emotional in having to write this and publish it publicly because I swear I will be able to express this in person, which I probably won't so I really have to express it in writing. It's kind of like a wish perhaps that involve a lot of things and tiny, middle and perhaps even an adult. Well all those people would be a part of my wish and you would have them there all together whenever you come and find me. 
     What a wish,huh? More like a fairy tale, but I did mention that in the beginning. So you come right, who you are going to be IDK. But, it's just' one of those things that happen that only you know where I could be. Once finding me, you would take me to our home and all these munchkins would be there to welcome me. Who the munchkins would be, IDK. They could be your, mine, or maybe ours. Just' like the movie. 
     So, it get's exciting having to get to this place and them showing me around and we get acquainted. Once having done that if we haven't already done paperwork that is on marriage, or probably not...IDK, what you think of the whole thing but if it's as important to you as it would be for me to be united and know for a fact that we were meant to be, then probably a nice wedding would take place. Maybe it's too late for me to think of such a wish, but what difference does it make if I pitch it to you or not. It's still a home run by having told you my wish. With many people and things involved in this wish. 
      Could of gone into further details in to whom and names and such but, I know that in life I probably won't have it all my way, but it's wishful thinking for the moment and wanted to share that with you, love! Also to remind you, that I think of you every now and then and I perhaps, haven't met you yet. Yet, I miss not having you and the munchkins. I know it's too much to ask for when it comes to my wild ways and wild thoughts and perhaps actions. 
      Knowing I am cold when it comes to love and showing my loved one's I love them or even care. But, I guess it's my way of letting go of this fantasy that I don't know if I ever had or maybe it was just a dream and I was living someone else's life. IDK What your take would be in my selfish thinking, but the damage I can do by giving my whole heart could be a disaster, not only to myself but to individuals that don't belong to me and I can't have for myself all the time every time. Maybe not every hour, but everyday. Really, such a selfish person deserves "NO LOVE"! A person that stops caring is not worthy of seeking a wish of such great magnitude or do we? Caring too much is heartbreaking, it's emotionally draining and maybe it's the way I noticed some people to be, maybe it's just' how I am. 
     One thing for sure, If my wish ever came true..I know I would not do anything to fuck it up! For anything in this bullshit world! I realize I might not have it my way. However, it's wishful thinking. Haven't done anything to earn that life, perhaps. I don't know what good I have done in the eyes of God, but whatever happens to me thru all my body when I feel pain can not be any good, so..my pain has to count for something, plus the ideas I throw out there and the ideas I write, or whatever good advice I ever gave perhaps might count for something. If talking to God about money situations and what I have lacked to offer. 
     All that must be important, plus prayer, actions during everyday life, dreams, thoughts. Scary to think of how God's standards might have to be so darn high for someone like me to wish such a wish, but it's something I wanted to share with you on this day. Maybe, I'll start by waking up and by wondering what I must have missed in those days that I was asleep for too long. Some times it feels as if I have been asleep for days, and since I have no daily obligations I wont know if I've been asleep for days. 
    Failing in the past to certain obligations also make me feel unworthy of another chance. Having to prove myself over and over made me not want to prove myself at all, now! Hurts like hell, but my prayers with God have to be loyal..even though I failed to care of the things I have said to God at times, I come to the conclusion that I am probably not a good person. Unworthy of love, unworthy of a family or probably even friends. So, writing to you my love and expressing my deepest feelings is all I got right now.
       
     

Psalm 39

       Psalm 39

               To the chief Musician, even to Jeduthun, A Psalm of David

1- I said, I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue: I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me.

2- I was dumb with silence, I held my peace, even from good; my sorrow was stirred.

3- My heart was hot within me, while I was musing the fire burned: then spake I with my tongue, 4- Lord, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is; that I may know how frail I am. 5- Behold, thou hast made my days as an handbreadth; and mine age is as nothing before three: verily every man at his best stage is altogether vanity. Se'-lah. 6- Surely every man walketh in a vain shew: surely they are disquieted in vain: he heapeth up riches, and knoweth not who shall gather them. 7- And now, Lord, what wait I for? my hope is in thee. 8- Deliver me from all my transgressions: make me not the reproach of the foolish. 9- I was dumb, I opened not my mouth; because thou didst it. 10- Remove thy stroke away from me: I am consumed by the blow of thine hand. 11- When thou with rebukes dost correct man for iniquity, thou makest his beauty to consume away like a moth: surely every man is vanity. Se'-lah. 12- Hear my prayer, O lord, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peace at my tears: for I am a stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were. 13- O spare me, that I may recover strength, before I go hence, and be no more.

I don't know Love, are You?

     Dear Love,

   

I have been thinking not of you because I don't know if we ever existed! I get so angry at you for not feeling your love when I probably need you the most! I am so insensitive when it comes for me to think that your too busy to even come and throw yourself at my feet, LOVE! But then I question my confidence and wonder if I'm worth your love or attention. ( sad face in mind)

     I have been up too not much, just' potting my plants in different pots and see if they grow. Then I have been depressed at times all day. That is so weak of me to feel that way, sometimes I even have crazy thoughts of going to hang myself by the neck of a tree. At times I feel as if I need to drop dead to be with you and follow you where ever you go, LOVE!

I don't know why I think of death so much, it's so sad to think that "I" have to do it myself. To think that by being dead I will be able to be with you, But then I question my thinking and it drives me "NUTS"! 

     Love, why can't I have you in the flesh? I know, I know! It's not always the flesh that has to be about love. Then, (thinking in a sarcastic way) I think you take control of my body and use me for different purposes. I feel as if you take all around the world and then, you probably feed vampires off my blood, then I feel as if you use markers to paint my face ugly or scary so other people won't take notice of me. All my thinking of you love are not so good. (sad face in mind)

     I have taken an interest in going to church studies again, but like always I get too involved in my thinking and want to blurr out what I'm boldly thinking! Which probably not good, Probably not good at all. But I want answers and I get so frustrated and mad thinking that I probably wont get my answers I'm seeking for, (Ugghhh!) Anyway, Not too also be mean, or sound as if I'm better by feeling as if I'm going to church with older people that talk about time as if they were just mirages for the moment. Gosh!, Love, I can't stop talking about everything that goes thru my mind because it's too much and sometimes I feel as if I can't even say things out loud. 

     Anyway love, I feel like a fool to not look for you. Then where the heck am I going to find you?! Then I hate that word, "Fool" (listening to country music) Parenthesis, don't have to be a question anymore, ok. The dictionary says that..(well the dictionary is not really talking) but it's written that a fool is a person with little or no judgement, common sense, wisdom,etc. silly or stupid person; The third definition of a fool is a victim of a joke or trick, which probably is what I feel sometimes. I feel as if I have to prove myself for only God knows what! Then I feel too much energy about that and it makes me not care to do anything at all! 

     I can only perform at my best and at my personal hobbies and show God my strengths when I got positive energy around me. Yeah, LOVE! Then I think you come around me or try to come around me and the jealousy of other women surround me, because to me your perfect and there are many women trying to compete with me for your love, LOVE! (Nagging thinking in mind) Frustrated I get when I think of that! But then I know that you know how I am and you already know my strengths and even my weaknesses, so..I go back to doing what makes me feel good and don't worry about what your doing so much, because I know that you know that there are no two women alike and my unique ways and even naughty ways are an enjoyment to you. My ways satisfy you enough to always come back to me in an imaginary way.

     Well, I want to do a couple of painting projects and perhaps do some more reading of these nice books that I was able to obtain at church for free. All the best things are free. Once I finish reading them I will probably give them back so other people can read them. Same thing I do with clothes, once I have outgrown that episode of a certain style of clothing I choose to wear a different style rags. Now, I am in the black color mood of wearing clothing..don't know why when I love to wear colorful clothes, but I feel like a child whenever I still dress all in colors and stuff. 

     Oh my gosh Love! If I had some monies and if I knew who you where in the flesh I would totally buy you the Tommy Hilfiger cologne for men, It smells so good and just imagining wrapped around your arms and smelling that scent on you would totally bring the lion out of me. (Raeer!) Some day perhaps. I had found a bottle of that cologne in some things my sister gave me and I sprayed it all over the house and wasted it. (Duck lips as I write) Any who, I want to also let you know that I have been listening to birds at night here. So cool to listen to those chatty birds singing at night. Not very common to hear the birds at night so that is why I wanted to let you know that, that's the kind of enjoyment I have around here.

     Love, I have to confess something to you. I had bought this ring, right and of course I wanted to give it to you one day. But I was waiting for a bus one day and kinda mad to have to be on the fucken bus! So, there was this man right and he said something to me and asked me my age and I told him I was thirty nine years young and he told me he was sixty, so then I took the ring out and was giving it to him and he refused to take it! (shocking thinking) I don't know why I was giving it to this man that was sixty years old and said he was kind of homeless and carrying a bike with stuff on it..anyway, So, I was kind of shocked he didn't take it, but it's not like I was proposing to him or anything, I just felt like giving it away,LOVE! 

     That's how my love sometimes feel to feel you in spirit in other people.

     

     Love, here thinking and wondering what it is your doing* Here and wondering on how your day went and if your hungry or not. Dear Love, I'm sure that there are missed communication's between us and I would like them to be resolved. If your upset at anything that I might be doing wrong ,how would I ever know on what to do right!?

What is it that you would like for dinner today, Love?
Is a shower between us when you get home make you feel more relaxed?

Dear Love, ever since I have not got the pleasure in meeting you, I just' can't help but to have you in my mind. My strong, tall, muscular built man that has to be business oriented and financially stable of a man. The man that I might have been made of by it's own rib. 

    I feel tired, but just' mentally, physically I am need of strength and would not mind practicing endurance as our paths cross if ever in the future.
Love, there's things that I wouldn't want to burden you with, there are things a woman has to be able to restrain from burdening her love with.

How was your day?
"listening, Is Important"
Supporting comments, Is getting upset the way to go about your day?
How can this day have an impact on our lives or the lives of other's? What can I do to make it better?
What would make your day? Having had a good day,what would a wife have for her husband ? Having had a bad day, what other activities can I plan for my Love?

I like story telling and a bit of twists to make a story intriguing.  My love has had a bad day at work and has talked about his day and I would bring up an even worse catastrophe. "At the grocery store", "there was a woman how she was talking about her having a different husband every night." But all her neighbors seen just' One! 
The story went on for a couple of minutes as we stood in line, very interesting how she would describe each and everyone of them all. They all had distinctive traits and distinctive leisures.  As intriguing as it sounds, my Love, they all did not up to you, even if I tried to put them together.

   You are a piece of art! Love, God took extra time to make you,especially for me---That is why we have not met. I remember, awhile back...Loud and Clear a Voice saying...that the perfect person for me had not been born yet! God does not make mistakes when we creates us in his image,yet we tend to view our way in a total different way after our sin's are our priorities. Dear love, I long to fall in love with you, although I have never met you! 
I was once in love with a guy that had the perfect smile and the semi-perfect look but was a big mess all around. He must of ran with the wrong crowd because he ended up running away from me and left his body in a middle eastern place for which I never got to see his face ever again. 
    Dear Love, what has that to do with your day...
What about your favorite hobbie, how about a night out doing your kind of favorite leisure as I take my time to get ready for you.
Seeing me, as I put on my make up and straighten up with some heels and a nice piece might make you reconsider when saying," this might have been a bad day". How about if we just chill at home and relax and watching some of your favorite shows?

     I hate to see the face of our love not having been re kindled, dear Love!
I hate to be the nagging one,so in case you miss me as I miss you, I will have to look for different loving messages and think they came from you! I miss you---

Whenever I don't call..

     Love, if you even exist for me..
Whenever I don't call upon you love, Is when I get the sense you are thinking of me the most.
     Love if you ever take time to think of me..
Whenever I don't pray or question God if there is a love that should be felt in the flesh by my side, is when I imagine what,  must I be missing about you the most. I really don't remember what your sweet touch was all about. I can't remember how the love issue was approached between us if it wasn't in bed.
     Love if the time ever came that we each went our separate ways..
We have been departed for awhile now it seems, now that I can't seem to find you in my dreams. I can't recall your touch or the taste of your divine kisses, I can't recall the time that we would become one. 
     I do miss the way you held me in bed. They didn't last, you always got up. 
Love, I don't don't if we have met ever, again.
I don't know if that was even your name. I can think of how I must have mistaken you, love. I giggle as I think of you and the love that never existed.
     I do get mad when I think of you in someone else's arms, I can't help to think that that could be me, but love here is the thing. I don't know how it is that you want me to sit in a place and write and think about you. 
     Dear Love, if it seems that you never did existed.

     Love, I know your busy and this asian woman follows you around, What does she want? Does she know of our spiritual love? 
Love. ...does she not understand that we have not yet, ( wait) we've danced silly.