I have been thinking not of you because I don't know if we ever existed! I get so angry at you for not feeling your love when I probably need you the most! I am so insensitive when it comes for me to think that your too busy to even come and throw yourself at my feet, LOVE! But then I question my confidence and wonder if I'm worth your love or attention. ( sad face in mind)
I have been up too not much, just' potting my plants in different pots and see if they grow. Then I have been depressed at times all day. That is so weak of me to feel that way, sometimes I even have crazy thoughts of going to hang myself by the neck of a tree. At times I feel as if I need to drop dead to be with you and follow you where ever you go, LOVE!
I don't know why I think of death so much, it's so sad to think that "I" have to do it myself. To think that by being dead I will be able to be with you, But then I question my thinking and it drives me "NUTS"!
Love, why can't I have you in the flesh? I know, I know! It's not always the flesh that has to be about love. Then, (thinking in a sarcastic way) I think you take control of my body and use me for different purposes. I feel as if you take all around the world and then, you probably feed vampires off my blood, then I feel as if you use markers to paint my face ugly or scary so other people won't take notice of me. All my thinking of you love are not so good. (sad face in mind)
I have taken an interest in going to church studies again, but like always I get too involved in my thinking and want to blurr out what I'm boldly thinking! Which probably not good, Probably not good at all. But I want answers and I get so frustrated and mad thinking that I probably wont get my answers I'm seeking for, (Ugghhh!) Anyway, Not too also be mean, or sound as if I'm better by feeling as if I'm going to church with older people that talk about time as if they were just mirages for the moment. Gosh!, Love, I can't stop talking about everything that goes thru my mind because it's too much and sometimes I feel as if I can't even say things out loud.
Anyway love, I feel like a fool to not look for you. Then where the heck am I going to find you?! Then I hate that word, "Fool" (listening to country music) Parenthesis, don't have to be a question anymore, ok. The dictionary says that..(well the dictionary is not really talking) but it's written that a fool is a person with little or no judgement, common sense, wisdom,etc. silly or stupid person; The third definition of a fool is a victim of a joke or trick, which probably is what I feel sometimes. I feel as if I have to prove myself for only God knows what! Then I feel too much energy about that and it makes me not care to do anything at all!
I can only perform at my best and at my personal hobbies and show God my strengths when I got positive energy around me. Yeah, LOVE! Then I think you come around me or try to come around me and the jealousy of other women surround me, because to me your perfect and there are many women trying to compete with me for your love, LOVE! (Nagging thinking in mind) Frustrated I get when I think of that! But then I know that you know how I am and you already know my strengths and even my weaknesses, so..I go back to doing what makes me feel good and don't worry about what your doing so much, because I know that you know that there are no two women alike and my unique ways and even naughty ways are an enjoyment to you. My ways satisfy you enough to always come back to me in an imaginary way.
Well, I want to do a couple of painting projects and perhaps do some more reading of these nice books that I was able to obtain at church for free. All the best things are free. Once I finish reading them I will probably give them back so other people can read them. Same thing I do with clothes, once I have outgrown that episode of a certain style of clothing I choose to wear a different style rags. Now, I am in the black color mood of wearing clothing..don't know why when I love to wear colorful clothes, but I feel like a child whenever I still dress all in colors and stuff.
Oh my gosh Love! If I had some monies and if I knew who you where in the flesh I would totally buy you the Tommy Hilfiger cologne for men, It smells so good and just imagining wrapped around your arms and smelling that scent on you would totally bring the lion out of me. (Raeer!) Some day perhaps. I had found a bottle of that cologne in some things my sister gave me and I sprayed it all over the house and wasted it. (Duck lips as I write) Any who, I want to also let you know that I have been listening to birds at night here. So cool to listen to those chatty birds singing at night. Not very common to hear the birds at night so that is why I wanted to let you know that, that's the kind of enjoyment I have around here.
Love, I have to confess something to you. I had bought this ring, right and of course I wanted to give it to you one day. But I was waiting for a bus one day and kinda mad to have to be on the fucken bus! So, there was this man right and he said something to me and asked me my age and I told him I was thirty nine years young and he told me he was sixty, so then I took the ring out and was giving it to him and he refused to take it! (shocking thinking) I don't know why I was giving it to this man that was sixty years old and said he was kind of homeless and carrying a bike with stuff on it..anyway, So, I was kind of shocked he didn't take it, but it's not like I was proposing to him or anything, I just felt like giving it away,LOVE!
That's how my love sometimes feel to feel you in spirit in other people.
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